I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
