Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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