God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
