Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
