I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
