Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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