His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
