I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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