Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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