Apparently you make a good broom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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