I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
