She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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