Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
