I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
