Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sobbing to NWA
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
