Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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