We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
