I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
