If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
