So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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