I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're not piercing ourselves today.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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