i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
