DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
