When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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