I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
