How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
