She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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