bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
