i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
