i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
