Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
