I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
