I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
