I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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