i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
