he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
