we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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