Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
