before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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