At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
