A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
