My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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