DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
