listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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