All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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