his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
