I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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