I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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