I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
