I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
