Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
