Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
