you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
