just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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