On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
