omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
