On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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