i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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