I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
