I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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